On kids, alcohol and single mothers

As a single mother I will jump to the defence of single mothers everywhere if I sense a whiff of criticism aimed unjustly in our direction. We represent a sector of society that is so easily scapegoated and so regularly stereotyped by people who fail to understand that mothers who are parenting alone are doing so for a variety of different reasons and, in the large majority of cases, we are putting our children first, doing the very best we can and doing a damn good job.

Attending an event recently about children and alcohol, I heard someone ask what percentage of underage drinkers have single mothers and, it would seem, make the assumption that such women would find it difficult to tackle the issue of underage drinking without an authoritative father figure in the house.

I sensed more than a whiff of criticism and felt the need to raise my hand and state that I am educating my child about alcohol and that I have developed strong lines of communication with my daughter, which I think will make these sorts of difficult conversations easier. And I am also a single mother.

Any argument that focuses on the role of single mums in underage drinking misses the point entirely. When it comes to educating children about alcohol it is something that parents everywhere need to do, regardless of their family setup, their marital status, race, religion or any other factor. An uneducated child is a vulnerable one, and that applies to many other areas of life, not just alcohol.

Often families with two parents don’t talk to their children about alcohol. I’m a single parent and I discuss a whole host of issues with my child, so quit the prejudice.

According to Drinkaware, currently only 17% of parents have a plan to talk to their children about alcohol. Yet nearly three quarters of children aged 9 -17 would turn to their patents first for information and advice on drinking alcohol, so it’s a topic we need to prepare for. The more information our children have, and the earlier they get it, the better.

Drinkaware advise that we talk to our children before they - or their friends  - have their first drink, ideally before they make the transition to secondary school. In the UK the average age children first try alcohol is just under 14.

Giving our children the facts from an early age makes sure they have accurate information to understand or challenge what their friends tell them and helps them become more confident in the ability to make their own decisions.  Opening up the lines of communication ensures an ongoing dialogue about responsible drinking can continue throughout the teenage years.

There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach when it comes to talking about alcohol; however, the Drinkaware website has a section for parents with a quick guide to what children need to know at ages 8-10, 9-12, 11-14 and 13-17. Their current kids and alcohol campaign also provides parents with information about why and when to talk to your child, the short- and long-term risks of alcohol consumption, what the law says along with tips and advice, including:

• Rather than waiting for something bad to happen, think about when and how you are going to start the conversation and keep it going.
• One in six children drink because they are bored. If you can, offer a space where your child can spend time with their friends without alcohol or encourage them to take up a hobby,
  Make sure your child knows that drinking is a decision.
• Try talking to them about ways they can say “no” so they feel confident in that situation. They could say they are training for a sports match the next day or that they have a rehearsal or family event.
• Learning about alcohol isn’t only about factual education. By helping your child learn how to weigh up the pros and cons of other scenarios, like which secondary school to go to or whether to travel home alone, you can prepare them for making their own decision about drinking.

They key seems to be to have open lines of communication with your child, instil  in them enough confidence to allow them to make their own decisions, have a plan about how and when to talk to them about alcohol, and ensure that conversation keeps going throughout their teenage years.

Comments about single mothers aside, my lasting memory of  morning with Drinkaware is the remark that we wouldn’t allow our children to cross a road without preparing them in advance, yet so many parents fail to talk to their children about alcohol, and the consequences of this can be fatal. It simply isn’t an issue we can choose to ignore.

Further information is available on the Drinkaware website, which also includes a section for parents and a video where you can practise tricky conversations about alcohol with a 13 year old.

Targeted advice and support is also available at direct.gov.uk/youngpeopleandalcohol

The NHS website has more information on alcohol and its effects at nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol

If you are a single parent looking for further advice on any parenting issue, I’d recommend Gingerbread.org.uk.

Drinkaware paid my travel expenses to attend this event.

Photo credit.

Comments

[Sally Whittle]

I think the message I took away from yesterday is that educating kids about alcohol and responsibility, and personal safety is an issue for all parents - rich, poor, single, married, gay, straight, whatever. It's a universal thing. As the police officer said to me yesterday, when you're picking a kid out of the gutter, there's no difference between the ones from good families and those from tough backgrounds. They're all at risk.

[Chris]

Excellent post Rosie. I get very tired of single parent bashing. One good parent is far better than two bad ones every time. I shall be writing my kids and alcohol post very soon and that point *may* just creep in. x

[Midlife Singlemum]

Alcohol, sex, drugs, shopping, and all other of life's temptations and challenges need to be discussed with our children to prepare them for responsible, moderate and appropriate behaviour in any context. I wrote on Sally's post that I don't think there is a special formula for alcohol over any of the other vices. I certainly see no connection between good parenting from one parent and a child unable to listen, comprehend, and learn.

[Domestic goddesque]

Frankly I tink one good single parent beats a couple of can't-be-arsed parents any day: the fact that you WANT to have a plan is the most important thing. Great post though, and great defence of single parents.

[Muddling Along]

It upsets me that people think that 'single mothers' might be responsible for the ills of the world - there are as many dysfunctional two parent families as single ones

And yes, I drink, we drink, and we do so infront of the girls and I do worry about how we will communicate about safety to them - and that is no different from what any parent does, male, female, multiple or single

[cherished by me]

Oh Rosie I wish I was as brave as you! Arghhhhh is all I can say. Thank you, thank you! Great post xx

[mummy mania]

I agree - it's got nothing to do with parenting set-up and everything to do with parenting style. Well said!

[Jo Beaufoix]

Well done for speaking up. It makes me so mad when people make assumptions.

And, I was gutted I couldn't make this event, it sounds like it was good. Did anyone mention DARE? E did it at school this year and that got us talking about so many issues including alcohol, drug use and solvent abuse. It's been a great way in for E and she was able to teach me about some issues which has been great for her confidence etc.

[sue x]

I have just taught Alcohol to my class of 9 to 10 year olds and it's amazing what they know, mosy of it being through observations and tv programmes! it's so important it's spoken about openly because children we want to try it and it may as well be in the presence of responsible people and in a controlled environment than with friends in a park!! Conversation should happen sooner than better I say!! x

[If I Could Escape]

Great post Rosie. Sounds like it was an interesting and informative event. I, for one, know more couples who drink excessively in front of their children than I ever do single mums so the whole assumption thing really makes me cross.

[Iota]

Thanks for this. When I was in England over the summer, I was struck by how much humour is based on alcohol. Endless little quips about getting drunk, being drunk, not being able to function without drink, etc etc. All pretty harmless... until you have a 14 year old, and then it doesn't seem so harmless. How is he to make sense of what we say about alcohol (and yes, we do talk about it), if everyone is sending the message that it's funny to be a bit irresponsible, and that the whole subject is joke-worthy. Sorry, but this brings out the prude in me.