Becoming a good enough mum, eventually

It was a shock to find myself as a single mum with a newborn baby. It wasn’t part of life’s plan, it’s not as it should be, but it was our reality.

And I nearly blew it.

I had no idea what to do with a brand new baby and no maternal instinct kicked it to help me find my way through the minefield I suddenly found myself in. Whilst new motherhood should be one of the best times of your lives, it isn’t for many and it wasn’t for me.

It was tough going and for a while my ability to be an adequate mother was questioned, quite rightly, because I’d struggled to look after myself in the past. With the strain of parenting alone I fared no better. In fact, I did spectacularly badly.

With my health failing, I found myself under the watchful gaze of professionals. My biggest fear was that I would have no option but to consider adoption.

But I wanted my child with me despite my on-going struggles and the fact I knew I had a lot to learn when it came to caring for a child.

It took two years for me to really get my act together and by the skin of my teeth IJ wasn’t put up for adoption. We got through it but I came very close to losing her and I will never forget that. It taught me a lot and I hold her even tighter as a result.

Now, thanks to a lot of advice and support and my sheer bloody-mindedness to finally get this right no matter what, we are a fabulous little team.

I finally became a good enough mum.

But IJ will tell you I’m the best mum in the world and I’m not going to argue with that.

Together we did it. We got though the horrible stuff and came out the other side happier, healthier and facing an exciting future. Together.

The morale of this very long story cut short for the purpose of a blog post is that if I can do it anyone can. Trust me on that one.

This week’s gallery theme is: Mother love.

Now go off and love yourself just that little bit more. You’re doing a great job.

Comments

[MJM]

Inspirational. I'm in tears ... in a good way.
Wonderful, wonderful post - I'll be back to read it again and again.
AND, Misses, no-one who can write in this way, could ever have been anything other than the best Mum in the world.

MJM

[spudballoo]

Oh this is lovely. Just perfect. 'good enough'...our children need so much less from us that we set ourselves up for...we're so busy trying to be 'perfect' (shudder) aren't we? I told my boys, in a tone of exasperation for some reason, at the weekend that my job as a parent is to (1) love them forever and (2) keep them safe. That's kind of what it boils down to isn't it? You can spin it out to all kinds of other fancy stuff BUT I really believe that if a child feels loved without question and safe, then the rest can and will follow.

Such a brave and honest post. We have all had the deep and dark moments, anyone who says otherwise is a liar. I know I have.

Love this post! xx

[2starsandaswirl]

What an amazing post - I can relate to a lot of it. Thank you for being brave enough to post it and letting the world know that we are often far from perfect, but that doesn't stop us from being fabulous Mothers.
Happy Belated Mothers Day to You x

[Laura LittleStuff]

Oh my goodness - it doesn't matter what anyone else has ever thought or said. What IJ thinks is actually all that matters. Clearly you are Doing It Right.
...and all we can ever do is try, and hope, and attempt to not get it too disastrously wrong, yes?

[[email protected]]

Brilliant post - I guess none of us are perfect mums no matter how much we want to be but the most important thing is that our children love us anyway ;-)

[Nadine Hill]

Well done on such an honest post and I hope the love and support you are getting from your comments give you the 'pat on the back' that we never get as parents, even though we really need it sometimes!

You are in touch with your emotions, able to look at yourself honestly and are able to be vulnerable- these are strengths that few people posses, IJ is in very capable and loving hands.

Sending you much love through Cyberspace Rosie!!
Take care (and hope to see you at CyberMummy?)
Nadine
x

[bob greig]

Posts like this one make the whole blogging thing meaningful.

Well done you...for posting and working through the dark days.

Bob x

[Tara]

Rosie, as someone who has met you and seen you with your daughter I can hand on heart say that you are so much more than 'good enough'.
Amazing post. I'm here reaching out and holding your hand my friend. x

[Ian]

Off to love myself a little bit more. Wouldn't want to let you down.

[Southrivermum]

Inspirational post. Almost loosing your child must make you cherish all the time you have together now. You are right that we need to be easier on ourselves.

[Mostly Yummy Mummy]

Such an amazingly honest post. You have me in bits here, woman! x

[Icklebabe]

Amazing post, thanku so much for sharing something so personal . You know your right, we are all good enough... Just the way we are xxx

[Mandy]

The most life changing thing anyone ever said to me was my therapist when I was going through a year of Psycho-therapy, I thought I'd been a terrible mum, so consumed by depression that I couldn't see anything outside of it and the child of a narcissistic mother I would never been good enough. My therapist said to me "You only have to be good enough, if you try to be perfect you'll never achieve it" and so I got better and better and I'm a great mum now, I might overcompensate at times but I'm definitely good enough, oh and i divorced my mother, haha, best thing I ever did, within 6 weeks of doing that and finishing my therapy I started my business and that was 4 years ago and I'm happy, successful and well!

Thank you for sharing :)

[Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst]

Such a wonderfully inspirational and honest post. I'm so pleased you wrote this, so pleased you fought your way through to here 'the other side' and SO pleased you're both now looking forward to an exciting future, together.

[Michelle Twin Mum]

Beautiful Rosie, I have read many parts of your story before and I find you more than good enough, I find you exceptional.

Such an inspiration to so many people. Posts from the heart are the best. Thanks for the reminder that I am good enough, I often struggle with this.

Mich x

[Jenny paulin]

What a wonderful post Rosie, so brave and honest of you to put it down into words. So glad everything has worked out for you xx

[Vickie Ford]

Such a lovely post, this is the first I have read of you, so I will go off and read more x

[lexie martin]

what a lovely post. Glad you have come out the other side smiling x

[QWERTY Mum]

to triumph over adversity and to come out smiling and appreciating life all the more for it is a wonderful thing x

[Forest Flower]

Wow! A wonderful, brave and inspirational post! Semms to me you little one is right and she really does have the best mum in the world :) x

[helloitsgemma]

*high fives* to you, what an achievement. It really warmed my heart to read this. thank you so much for sharing

[SAHMlovingit]

What an amazing post. Glad to have found you via the gallery. That had me wiping away the tears which shows how powerful it was. Thank you so much for sharing this x

[Jayne]

What a refreshingly honest and beautiful post, I really admire you for having the strength to get through all of your struggles and come out of the end of it with a happy little girl. Awesome!

[Alexander Residence]

I really respect your honesty, I think parents could do with being much more honest about how difficult it is to be both a parent and a happy person in your own right sometimes, especially when life doesn't go to plan.
Good enough is the best mantra ever for parents. Beautiful post :)

[PippaD @ A Mothers Ramblings]

You do it so well now that I can't imagine how hard it was for you. I know though that this proves to you 100% just how strong and wonderful you are. Love you loads Rosie.

[Cara]

Rosie, I love your honesty. I have a similar opinion that if I can do it, anyone can but it doesn't come easy.

[Bev]

your daughter clearly has a mother to be proud of! :)

[TheMadHouse]

I have said it before nad will say it again, there is no one way to be the perfect mum, be a million ways to be a good one. When I see you and IJ together I know that you are her perfect mum

[[email protected]]

That is such a beautiful post, not everyone is a natural mother - I know I wasn't! Like you I've hung in there and learnt how and that to me means the world x

[Nic's Notebook]

Wow amazing post. Well done you for getting through such hard times. xx

[Emma]

I love this post, it's inspirational! Emma :)

[Herding Cats]

What an inspirational post. Well done on working so hard to get where you are today! xxx

[If I could Escape]

Awww, Rosie, that's really lovely and raw and so inspirational. *wipes away tears* x

[Sarah @Sarh]

What a lovely post :) x

[stigmum]

Who questioned your ability? My God, I'm reading this powerful post of yours as I'm reading Emma Donague's "Room", told through the eyes of the child. I'm so glad you're feeling so much better and stronger about yourself. It's very easy to look back on who we were and continue to knock ourselves. You were always, and will always be more than good enough and very best for IJ and relieved you know it now xxx

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks Nadine. Yes, I'll be at Cybermummy. See you there!

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks for your inspiring comment, Mandy. Sounds like you've had a really tough time too. So wonderful to hear you have come out the other side. x

[Rosie Scribble]

Love you loads too xx

[Rosie Scribble]

Thank you, Tara. Just look how your gallery is proving so supportive (and therapeutic)! I've taken your hand and I'm squeezing it tight. This is something I decided to write on the spur of the moment (in all of five minutes) but it's something I wanted to put out there and I think it's helped others too. It's my annual emotional post!! You're a wonderful friend. x

[Funky Wellies]

What a beautiful post, written from the heart. Very moving.

[mummy mania]

This really affects me, because I too feel I am not enjoying Ruby right now, and am not being a particularly great mum at the moment. But today something happened. Nothing spectacular, but for the first time in 6 months, I felt ok. I felt I was coping. I even would go as far as to say I enjoyed myself and them. I think I'm coming back from the edge. Good to know it can be done... a realy honest post... well done you.

[Rosie Scribble]

You have a huge amount on your plate MM and you're grieving too for what you have lost with your mum being so unwell, so don't be too hard on yourself. And Ruby looked incredibly in your recent holiday photo. She has her sisters around her too.

You can only do your best and that is exactly what you are doing. Good to hear there were times today when you felt you were coping. Hopefully there will be many more of them and this is the light at the end of the tunnel for you. xx

[Rosie Scribble]

Thank you MJM for such a lovely comment. I was nervous about putting this out there but I'm so pleased I did now. The comments, including yours, have been absolutely incredible.

[Rosie Scribble]

Loving them forever and keeping them safe is exactly what it boils down to, you are absolutely right. When a child feels that the rest will certainly follow. That's a helpful reminder to me to calm down, relax and not try to do everything and be everything. We're all doing the best we can and I'd say we're doing it pretty well. xx

[Rosie Scribble]

Thank you. And Happy Belated Mother's Day to you too! x

[CherishedByMe]

Lovely lovely...so glad you got through it. You make a great team. X

[Rosie Scribble]

Yes, I do feel I'm getting it right now. We can only do our best can't we. I think too many mums spend too long worrying that they are getting it wrong, when in fact we're doing just fine. (There was probably a more concise way of putting that, but you know what I mean!)

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks Cass. Can you imagine if we were all perfect? Our children would have that to live up to and would spend their lives feeling there were never good enough. You're absolutely right - the most important thing is that they love us anyway :)

[Rosie Scribble]

Thank you Bob. I'm really touched by your comment. That means such a lot x

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks so much BMTA, you know yourself how hard life can be at times. I hope this helps others know that it's possible to get through it. Thanks for your lovely comment. Hope you now have nice new windows!

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks Michelle. I'm sure I remember a post about being good enough on your blog quite recently. We can only do our best can't we. It so much easier to be hard on ourselves when we're actually going okay. We could all do with being nicer to ourselves at times. We're all doing such a valuable job x

[Rosie Scribble]

And give Max a squeeze while you're at it!

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks for dropping by, Vickie. My posts aren't normally this emotional. There's a lot of waffle normally! x

[Rosie Scribble]

Thank you, Karen. *passes soggy tissue* x

[Rosie Scribble]

Thank you, Jen. That really does mean a lot. You're right there is no way to be a perfect mum - love your line that there are a million ways to be a good one. That's perfect. I'll remember that x

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks Liz. I've found the non-baby years a lot easier. I feel more of a natural mother now but I was clueless in the beginning. It's definitely worth hanging in there isn't it? That's what I've been busy telling a number of strugging mums today. So pleased you're backing that up. x

[Mari]

Sometimes you write a post straight form the ehart in a whizz and it turns out to be one of your best. This is fabulous. I hope it does help others hwo may be struggling and I'm so happy you made it through together

[[email protected]]

Rosie, a beautiful, inspiring post. I waited so long for DD that for a long time I didn't admit that I was struggling to cope. And it was then that I realised that most people aren't born a Mother, they're moulded into one by their beautiful babies. Thank you for sharing this personal story and giving hope to others.

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks Mari. What a lovely comment.

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks so much. I hope it will help others to seek help if they are struggling. It's easy to think motherhood comes naturally but for some of us it takes a little longer and we can only do our best. Even when that isn't great it does get better. There's always hope.

[Moo's Mum]

I'm late, very late to this post, but it's been sitting in my reader, marked keep unread, until I had the time to comment.

Your journey is inspirational. Your way of sharing it powerful.

It's what we all aspire to, no? To be good enough. The thought that we could be the best? Brings goosebumps.

You've done an amazing job Rosie.