Blogging, taboo topics and the issue of self-disclosure

Note from Lapland's recent post on anal sex (yes, you did read that right) got me thinking.

No, not about that, but about the amount I disclose on my own blog, the topics I write about, and the fact that it seems very tame in comparison.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for posts like Heather's. I think writing about topics that many people shy away from is great. Dad Who Writes also wrote an interesting post last month on the topic of sex that was very well received and helpful to many.

It is helpful for these issues to be discussed  in the blogopshere, and why not? If they can't be discussed in this relatively anonymous environment, then where can they? And if others don't want to read them,  they can simply click away.

My point is that, for me, there are so many subjects I don't go near on my blog and topics I would not touch. I read with great interest what other bloggers disclose in their posts and I am particularly interested in ones I can relate to, like those written by other single parents.

I admire writers like Ian (aka Single Parent Dad) and My Shitty Twenties and appreciate their openness and honesty when they talk of their own personal experiences and how they have come to be single parents. Yet I am not prepared to explain my own circumstances, and that will not change.

I have disclosed my own personal experiences of anorexia, yet never before have I used the A-word in a blog post.  Inspired by posts from Linda (You've Got Your Hands Full) and Sian (Yummy Mummy Tips), I have written about my experiences of depression and expressed my views on skinny mummies. Then I have quickly covered up these posts with silly, lighthearted ones so that the post is not sitting at the top of a my homepage for days on end and attention is quickly diverted away.

I say very little about my parents although it is clear from NotSupermum's recent post 'Not a Good Enough Daughter' that blogging about family situations can produce a vast array of warm and supportive comments. My parents do not know that I write a blog, I don't know if they would really understand the concept of blogging.

In fact, given that I am a very private person, I often wonder why I write a blog at all. I don't disclose a lot to people in the real world, and the same seems to be the case in the virtual world. But I do enjoy it and I love the blogging community and connecting with others. And I am slightly addicted to Twitter.

So this is me and this is all you are getting from me, I'm afraid. I give what I can, I keep back what I can't and I wonder if that is enough.

Comments

[angelsandurchinsblog]

I too read Note from Lapland's post with interest (see, I can't even write what is about, so squeamish am I). And the post came up in conversation last night, with friends who 'get' blogging, plus a couple of friends who don't. The yes crowd used the post as an example of why blogging is so important, citing being able to talk about taboo topics, or just get something off your chest. The nay-sayers, on the other hand, were aghast at what they considered washing dirty linen in public. Confessional blogs are very popular, and rightly so. But blogging is a broad church, or at least, should be. I hope it never gets to a stage where to blog means to have to reveal all. But I am grateful to those brave enough to do so.

[Heather]

God, imagine if all blog posts everywhere were so revealing or deep and serious, it would be awful.

I have only been reading your blog for a short time but at no point have i ever thought 'oh she doesn't say enough about herself'. what you do write you write with honesty and humour and you do it well. We all have our different styles and ideas, that is what makes the blogosphere so interesting. Don't feel you have to change or give more, or worry that what you are doing isn't 'enough'. It is perfect, the tonnes of readers you have can attest to that.

[Chic Mama]

Of course it's enough. I use the blog as a way if venting my feelings and fears to keep me sane. Also I feel I can't always tell my friends the way I'm truly feeling inside so I tell all you poor people. I know what you mean about putting a lighthearted post after a 'heavy' one to 'cover' it up. I do exactly that and I never tweet it.Who said posts have to be shocking all the time or anytime at all. Your doing what's right for you. Take care. 

[Dan]

I disclose very little really, but then again tend to keep things to myself in my personal life too.

Blogging is about whatever you want it to be, and you shouldn't feel bad about no disclosing - just as you shouldn't feel bad about disclosing.

[Mummy Bear]

I am the same. My blog is not somewhere I feel I want to air my laundry, I am too self conscious and worried what people will think of me - judge me. That's my nature and so that the nature of my blog. But yes I too totally admire and enjoy reading when others do. I am jealous of their openness and I always feel so positive about the incredible support offered in comments. I see my blog as a way of unleashing a bit of creativity. Get things off my chest. A blog is your voice, its what you want it to be. I love reading what you have to say, and am happy for you let me in as far as you see fit!

[SingleParentDad]

You admire me? Your problems are bigger than I first feared. Namely, me being a, newly ego massaged, arsehole.

[Chompermom]

I like fun and light-hearted, but I also like to read serious, gripping, thought-provoking blog posts from time to time. Mixes things up, and makes people more interesting.

My husband and I have recently "come out" on our blogs about his deportation and why we're really traveling. We still don't dwell on it all the time, but it is a major part of our lives, and it pops up now and again. It's crucial to understanding who we are. It's therapeutic to write about it, and I hope that someday one of two things happens: 1) someone in a similar situation will read and connect or be encouraged 2) someone who can fix this for us and other people who want to immigrate.

Thanks for sharing these great blogs here, and for sharing of yourself as you can.

[geriatric mummy]

Writing a blog is a very individual thing, and serves different purposes for different people. As long as it's serving it purpose for you that's all that matters. x

[Erica]

Everyone's style is different. I for one click through from my reader to every one of your posts knowing that I'll get my value :)

[Josie @Sleep is for the Weak]

I think as with all things with blogging it's about balance. I like the more personal posts, the feeling that you're really getting to know someone as they reveal their darker sides; their history, and their feelings. It makes them real for me. But I couldn't read a blog where is was ALL about that - I'd find it draining, and probably a little irritating if I'm honest. Also I don't expect a blogger to tell me EVERYTHING. Having boundaries is fine and I think shows self respect.

And you, dear Rosie, you get that balance very well xx

[clareybabble]

I've just read Laplands post - excellent!! I love being really honest on my blog and I've recently written about depression and social anxiety. In fact, I have many issues which I haven't yet written about but I think that's mainly because people would realise how weird I really am ;)
I don't write about our sex life, or my husband. I also don't write an awful lot about my step daughter although they both are a huge part of my life. I think it's because they don't blog and I wouldn't feel comfortable revealing stuff about their lives without asking them first, which I'm not going to do all the time.

[Tara@Sticky Fingers]

I love personal posts and that really raw honesty, but it's not something I would ever feel comfortable writing myself.
There are a couple of topics I've shyed away from mainly because I would never want to hurt or upset anyone who read it. I don't mind revealing stuff about myself and my feelings both as an individual and as a parent but if was directed towards a friend or a family member i wouldn't write about it.

I guess that's my line.

[Shanta Everington]

Came across your blog from Really Rachel. Your topic interests me as I'm always struggling with this! Have had anon blogs in past and been very open and then people found out who I was and got in some sticky situs so now when I write I think about my mum, my boss, my neighbours etc reading it! Talk about inhibiting...

[Christie]

I think you develop your own blog based on your own comfort level and your own goals for your blog, for example, my blog is about inspiring parents to create fun, meaningful childhoods and so I do not see it as a space to spend time talking about 'heavy' personal topics, experiences and issues. I believe there is an audience for every blog and your audience reads your blog for their own reasons - some people read (and indeed, write) to be inspired, others to share personal heartache and experiences, others to shock, others to educate, and so on.

[cartside]

To a certain extent, I'm sure we all make decisions on what to reveal and what not. I do consider my blog to be public, even if I'm mildly anonymous - but it's public in the sense that once you publish anything on the internet, it could come back to you. Anyone could read it or find out who you are - maybe not now, but in 20 years time? So anything I write I'm happy to disclose to anyone I know and don't know. Or if not happy, at least willing. Because often it is hard to disclose and to know who may read it and I feel more apprehensive than happy.

I've struggled a lot about 11 months ago whether to disclose something that has since affected my life a significant amount. I waited for months, not feeling comfortable with it, but eventually I felt that to continue blogging, it had to be out, even if my family wouldn't approve of the disclosure, even if really my words felt very inappropriate. Not an easy decision by any means, the best a blogger can do is consider it properly and know why s/he discloses or not, and stand behind the decision made.

[Vic]

I think the great thing about the blogosphere is that we're all able to publish posts with varying degrees of severity and find the support and comaraderie we need through publishing them. There are very few things I won't blog about but that's just the way I roll. Some of the blogs I like most are very closed in terms of personal things but that doesn't make them any less enjoyable. It just adds for a variety of reading.

[Liz (LivingwithKids)]

I love your blog Rosie - for me it has exactly the right balance. Some blogs I read I think 'do you really want to be sharing all that?' and also some blogs definitely cross the line into legally dodgy.

[TheMadHouse]

I like the variation, it is what keeps me reading and coming back. It is a bit like novels I suppose, I do not stick to one genre.

It takes all sorts and there is definatly something for everyone out there!!!

[Dulwich Divorcee]

Interesting topic, I've done a little post inspired by you and www.familyaffairsandothermatters.com, http://www.dulwichdivorcee.com/round-robin/

[Very Bored Housewife]

I've written a few personal posts about my recent pregnancy issues but there is so much about my life that I probably wouldn't write about. That said, I have a huge amount of respect for people who do and wish sometimes that I could be more open, even though my blog is pretty much anonymous I feel that somehow, someone, will come across it that I don't want reading about my personal life.

Also it's about balance, I wouldn't want to read a blog that is purely about bad personal experiences and I probably wouldn't believe a blog that comments only about the highs in life.

You have to be comfortable with what you put out there.

[Mummy Mania]

i think it is very easy for us (me anyway!) to get intimidated by other blogs - either because we deem them to be more interesting, better written, more hoenst, more controversial, more widely read etc than our own. but i think we need to remind ourselves why we started out - a process we enjoy, a practise we need to hone our skills, a journal of our ability (or not) to cope etc. The only way our blogs will work is if we are true to them and they are true to us. Stick with what makes you comfortable - that is what makes your blog yours and unique. and why we read it ;-)

[NotSupermum]

I think being anonymous helps when I feel the need to write something very personal. And being a single parent I don't have anyone to talk to in the evenings so sometimes my thoughts turn into a blog post.

I love your blog just the way it is Rosie, everyone blogs differently and that's the beauty of it. So much variety!

[Tim]

Fascinating subject, and a fascinating post. Yours, that is. Well, Heather's too. Well, everybody's. Blogs are different, just as bloggers are different and for me that's why they're better reading than the newspapers. (They're often better written for a start!)

I go through periods when I really worry about disclosing too much personal information, especially about my children. But I really do believe that honesty is the best, indeed the only, policy. But there will always be a line, although I do find mine is shifting.

[Mwa]

I think we all have things we keep to ourselves. I think there's room for all kinds of blogs. If we all wrote about anal sex all the time, reading about it would get boring after a while.

[Selina Kingston]

"this is all you are getting from me" ?? Well, I may be quite new to your blog but "this" is brilliant. It's entertaining and actually what you have hinted at is very moving to read. Your blog is yours to do with as you want and you should never feel guilty about what you do (or don't write). People come back because they enjoy what they read and in your case, that's because you write well.
My blog is an opportunity to tell what I can never reveal to anyone because in real life I have never let myself get close enough to anyone to disclose everything. I'm even finding that difficult to do in therapy. So when I started writing the blog it all came tumbling out and it has evolved into much more of a confessional about that other side of me than it was ever meant to. But that's because that feels right to me and it helps me.
Your blog should be what you need it to be. Read what everyone else discloses but don't feel pressured into doing the same. Just carry on being you - it's certainly the reason I keep coming back to visit.
x

[SandyCalico]

I think the beauty of blogging is that there are no rules. You can write about what you like. You don't have to disclose everything. I prefer a bit of variety and that's why I like your blog x

[rachel pattisson]

Great post! I, too, love your blog and think you strike an excellent balance of post: very readable but serious enough to be interesting.
I've been thinking a lot about how my children will feel about what I've written about them. I hope they will enjoy the record of their early years without embarrassment.

[Iota]

Bother. I previewed a comment, and it seemed to disappear. Did you get it? Maybe I clicked on 'post' instead.

[Insomniac Mummy]

If we were all the same it'd be a boring blogosphere. It's people's quirks and differing opinions that keep me coming back.

I think anonymity does offer a much easier platform for saying whatever you want. My blog is in no way anonymous enough to say alot of the stuff I'd LOVE to. Which I'm beginning to become frustrated with myself for.

There isn't a magic formula to become a great blogger, you can give away as much or as little about yourself as you choose. I think a good voice is the key whatever it is you're saying and both you and Heather have one.

:D

[Michelle]

Wow, look at all these comments! At least you know your approach to blogging is getting support :) Disclosure is a relevant, valid point in blogging and of course what we choose to disclose is totally up to us and a blog can be equally interesting with or without lots of disclosure. Im here from the Carnival, but I will be back again--nice to 'meet' you!

[Michelle]

hmmm. Ive just sent a post but its disappeared--if you didnt get it it, all I said was youve clearly got lots of support for your approach and I think blogs can be as interesting with our without much disclosure! Im here from the Carnival an I will be back here again! :)

[tawny]

I am selective about what I write about too, I think a lot of us are, I am all for people saying as much or as little as they like.

Only slight addicted to twitter?.....

[MummyTips]

Rosie, a thought provoking post for sure. I'm really pleased that my post inspired your writing and at the end of the day if you need to talk about this has to be the best place to do it.
xx

[dadwhowrites]

So that's why people are suddenly reading that post again!

You shouldn't wonder whether it's enough - it certainly is! And I also tend to cover up the more serious stuff with more light-hearted items for the same reason.

I certainly couldn't write about some of the things I've covered if I weren't using a pseudonym, though - it wouldn't be fair to supermum or my children and it probably wouldn't do an awful lot for my career either. I'm quite envious of people who confident enough to let ANYTHING hang out absolutely in public, let alone EVERYTHING.

[Maternal Tales]

Great post Rosie. I think a blog is such a personal thing that it can be whatever it is you want it to be. Some days you might feel like opening up, other days not so much. And then you might feel like opening up about certain subjects and not about others. Your blog is fab. Don't worry about a thing x

[Diney]

A really good post which set me thinking (a huge feat in this freezing weather!) that I couldn't reveal anything too personal in my blog (ie anal sex or any other sex matters!!) but it's fine if anyone else wants to do that as it displays their own unique style and personality. This is what makes blogging so interesting and compulsive, and the blogosphere would be sterile if we all wrote in the same genre. Hi, by the way!

(P.S,I can't be too personal on my blog even if I wanted to as my son and future daughter in law are followers!!).

[Pippa]

There is a mask that we all wear, and here on the net we tend to take it off more than in real life. People know I blog, my family knows I blog and yet they don't know my personal blog address only the one that I talk about the kids and random things.

I think that we find talking about things that are sometimes important and sometimes personal and sometimes silly to be our way of dealing with being... well us!

[Solveig]

I avoid certain subjects on my blog because I know that my parents-in-law found my blog and now read it! And I've had a both a neighbour and a friend tell me they 'discovered' me. I also sort of expect my children to read it one day, if it's still around.

Now, I always ask myself what I would think if my parents were to find my blog - and that's how I decide whether to click the 'publish post' button or not.

I'd love an anonymous blog though!!

[Emily O]

A similar post to the one I've written today, thanks for the link! I think you talk yourself down here for not opening up like other bloggers do. But there's really no need to! I think the message from the comments here and the ones on my post is to be yourself. It's the variety of blogs and styles which keeps the blogosphere interesting.