When motherhood isn't a bed of roses

Today, I decided to spend the afternoon working in our local library, away from the distraction of the Internet, the kettle and the fridge.

Fast forward half an hour and I'm sitting in a coffee shop with a cappuccino in one hand and a copy of Red magazine in the other, and there I stayed for the whole afternoon.

Bliss.

After reading a surprisingly informative piece on pelvic floor exercises, I came across another which was equally engaging - 'Do kids equal happiness' . Here the writer admits, rather bravely, that she was actually happier before she had kids.

Before you gasp in alarm, the article was not saying that having kids had made the writer's life far worse, it was saying that having kids does not necessarily make you happier and highlighted that, at times, life as a parent is not a bed of roses.

And there were a number of points I could relate to.

Let me firstly explain, in case I come across really really badly and you decide you hate me, that my life is, without question, a zillion times better now that I'm a parent. I wasn't happy before, I was quite miserable in fact. I'm definitely happy now, so IJ's arrival has transformed my life for the better and I could not manage without her.

But it hasn't been easy. The first couple of years were particularly tough, but few people I know would admit to finding life as a new parent difficult. And at the time, I certainly kept quiet.

So here's the bit where I'm completely honest.

Naturally, I enjoyed spending time with IJ, but I found the days on my own with her very long and I craved adult company, some days there was none at all. I was happy to play with bricks and soft toys but doing that all day every day became monotonous and at times it felt never-ending. The odd children's programme was okay but most of it I found mind-numbing after a while. I craved the BBC news so that, in some small way, I could feel more connected with the outside world. With no car and little money, I often felt trapped in out four walls and craved to get out.

It didn't last forever of course although some days it felt like it would. As IJ got older and was able to communicate better things started to get easier, and when she started nursery we gained a much needed structure to our day and the chance to meet other people on a more regular basis.

And now things are really good, we're a great team. Life is more balanced and we enjoy the time we spend together.

I am sure I'm not the only mother who was sitting at home feeling lonely and isolated with a very young child. But, as the article says, motherhood is the only job you're not allowed to complain about or dislike. I'd say, complain if you need to, parenting can be tough, and so many people are keeping quiet and struggling on their own, and I don't just mean single parents.

It can be tough for everyone, but thankfully not all the time.

Comments

[Victoria]

I felt exactly like you, and I'd like to bet that almost every other mother out there did too. But I found it really hard to talk about at the time because it just seemed so awful to own up to. I think blogging has really helped new mothers, because it's now much easier to see that you are not the only one who feels like that. Great post!

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks, Victoria. I wasn't sure what the reaction would be to this post. It's a relief to know you can relate and I haven't said the unthinkable.

[Josie @Sleep is for the Weak]

I hear you loud and clear.

Since becoming a mum I have had days when I have felt more miserable than I have ever before in my whole life. Quite a lot of them actually.

But I have also had days where I thought I might explode from just the sheer and unequivocal joy of it all.

They kind of balance each other out thankfully. And in a few years when I look back it all, you can guarantee it will be the joy explosion moments that stick in my head and dominate my memory. Which makes all the crappy days worth riding out.

x

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks, Josie. I agree that the great days do balance out the difficult ones, and of course in the end it's all worth it.

[Rebel Mother]

I didnt find motherhood easy at all. Being a teenage single parent to Liam was far easier than being married with a teenager and two little toddlers!

I went ga-ga!!! I really did.

Now the little kids are 11 & 10 and Liam is 23, it is much more fun.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

RMxx

[Rosie Scribble]

Thanks, RM. It is interesting to hear how many mothers have found it all very difficult. Too often I haven't heard people admitting that openly. Makes me realise I was not alone at all. Thank you.

[Whistlejacket]

I agree with what you're saying. I struggled to get pregnant with my first child, it took us 3 years. During that time all I wanted was children, I was desperate. But of course I focussed on the rose tinted view and didn't make myself realise what hard work it is. I'm obviously very happy to be a mum now and I'm happier now than I was before children, but part of that could be my age and feeling more confident about myself. After the long wait for a baby I was shocked to discover how it turned my world upside down and I also suffered with PND. I know a few people who are desperate to become parents too and part of me wants to explain it's not the be all and end all in life. Yes it can be wonderful, but it can horrendous too!

[Mwa]

Yes, yes, yes. I'm happier too because I was depressed before I had children and I'm not now, but having small children is tough at times. Especially if you're at home with them.

[Iota]

It can be lonely, for sure. It's good to be honest about these things, not least for the people who are about to become parents. So much is to do with expectation. Parenthood is so often portrayed as blissful. It's better to have a little realism before you embark, I think.