As a parent I have a lot to learn. As a single parent the responsibility lies solely with me, and recently I've felt as if I was getting it wrong, or at least there has been no-one there to tell me I am getting it right. IJ has been unhappy at school and I'm just not sure why, whether there are problems at school, or whether it's me, and she isn't telling me. So there is work to be done.
I haven't really had much time in the past to read parenting books although I've bought plenty. But I recently stumbled across The Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar, and as it's an easy book to dip into when you're in a hurry, I've found myself reading quite a lot of it.
Here are some of my favourite 'rules', or at least the ones I can particularly learn from:
Rule 2) No-one is perfect
No-one is perfect and actually it doesn't matter if we're not. Kids need something to kick against when they're growing up and someone to blame. That's going to be us, because that's how it works. Showing signs of imperfection is quite normal, and if you were perfect they'd blame you for that. So go with your natural imperfections. Chances are a character flaw or two may come in handy here.
Rule 4) Almost any rule can be broken occasionally
Some rules can't be broken - like allowing a child to travel in a car without a seat-belt. But it is not the end of the world if other rules are broken - if bedtime bath is missed because we are just too tired, or they eat takeaway pizza because, for once, that is just easier. Better to have a sane, relaxed parent than an exhausted parent that sticks to every rule in the book all the time.
Rule 7) It's normal to want to escape
It is normal to be irritated by other people's children at times, and it's also perfectly normal to be irritated by your own and to actually want them to clear off sometimes because they are getting on your nerves. Children can drive you mad. Reading the same bedroom story every night for three months an be incredibly tedious. It can be very annoying, so can hearing the same joke over and over again and having to laugh each time as if we have only just heard it. Sometimes we want to escape. And that's ok. Chances are that we are getting on their nerves as well. So were quits.
Rule 9) Parents are people too
Being a parent can take over your life so we need to be ale to switch off and do the things we enjoy that are completely unconnected with being a parent, like watching a sports match, having a pampering session. We need to hang on to at least part of the things that we enjoy most. Otherwise, when the kids finally leave home, we won't know what to do with ourselves.
Rule 18) Keep your worries to yourself
Our children are going to take risks and do things that make us worry - like going for a sleepover for the first time, climbing a tree, going on holiday, learning to drive, taking exams. And we will worry, but our kids will be worried about these things too. Our job is to reassure them and give them the confidence to go ahead. Make them feel that everything is fine even if you are worried sick. Dump it on another grown-up instead.
Rule 24) Know the value of boundaries
Say no and mean it. Children need boundaries. If we don't set limits then children will push the boundaries to see how far they can go. The world can be a scary place when you're a child. The best security children have is a set of rules and guidelines so they can be sure they're staying within safe limits. Children will then test these boundaries to make sure they haven't moved. So make them clear and guarantee they stay put.
Rule 26) Moods are catching
As a family unit, everyone's moods effect everyone else. So as soon as we feel down children will act miserable to punish us. They don't understand that moods are catching, so it's up to us to do something about it. The facts are not necessarily pleasant but parents who yell at their children will have children who yell. Parents who sulk will encourage their children to sulk. Parents who moan will end up with moany kids. We can influence our child's moods for the better and create an upward spiral for everyone else.
Of all the parenting books I've looked through, this is the one I've definitely benefited from most. Hopefully I can put the theory into practice. We'll see.
